So I had this dream last night....starring Amanda as Amanda, me as me, and John Turturro as Amanda's very wealthy boyfriend, Strom.
So the three of us were out somewhere celebrating their anniversary. I have no idea why I was along for this....but oh well. I don't really know where we were....but it was someplace very fancy. We were all decked out in ball gowns and Strom was wearing a tux. So we are enjoying our evening, when Strom catches Amanda kissing some guy that works at this place that we are at. He gets really angry, and Amanda explains that it's over between her and this other guy. That was just a goodbye kiss.
So Strom is okay with this, as long as it really is the end, and it will never happen again. So we continue our evening...having a great time. Then it is time to leave. Strom takes off to get the limo. Amanda and I are left talking to eachother. And then she's all, isn't Justin great? And I was like, what? Then she goes on to tell me all about Justin and how they are in love, but she's not going to break it off with Strom, cause how else are we going to have wonderful evenings like the one we just had....
So we go outside and are waiting for Strom on this huge set of stairs, when Justin appears and starts making out with Amanda. Just then, the limo pulls up and Justin disappears. I start walking down the stairs, because I'm really hoping that Strom did not see that kiss. I get to the limo, and Amanda is way behind me.
Strom gets out of the limo with a huge white box. He opens it up to reveal probably at least a hundred roses, and dumps them onto the street. He then looks at me, points, and says, "This is all YOUR fault!" Then he shoved me backwards.
"MY fault?" I say, then I shove him back into the street. He looks at me, looks at Amanda, then turns around and starts running across six lanes of traffic. He is then hit by a semi-truck. It's like in the cartoons when someone gets hit, and they are just kinda stuck to the front of the truck...no blood or broken bones or anything.
So everyone around us stops what they are doing, and starts calling 911. By this point, Amanda is standing next to me, and I look over at her phone and it says '811'. I tell her not to worry about it because a lot of people are already calling. Then I look over to the truck, and see Strom begining to peal himself off the truck. I look at Amand, and we start running.
He catches up to us, and grabs a fistfull of my hair, and is screaming at me while we are all still running. I start screaming for help, and we finally run into a group of people. He lets go of my hair, and runs up past us. As we keep walking in that direction, we walk past the people and they are all giving me dirty looks, like 'what the hell is her problem'.
That is when I woke up.
I have no idea what that means.
I'm no expert, but I think that one has a lot of meaning! Sounds to me that you have a guilty conscience for either something you did/caused or something you THINK you did/caused that was wrong. Interesting!
ReplyDeleteI keep re-reading this, just to see if there is any correlation between it, and the situation that we shared with Amanda. I can't draw many, though.
ReplyDeleteThe whole kissing thing is the big correlation, because she was a cheating whore. And I let her be one, without my knowledge of course, for a while. Lord knows I didn't blame you for what happened though. I mean, you probably knew it was serious before she broke me off, but not long before. Again, no blame on your part. I blame the fact that she went out of the ballpark crazy. I do find it amusing though that you had the dream on my birthday, and a day before what was supposed to be our anniversary and the day I was going to pop The Big Question. THAT is really a trip if you think about it. Thank god I didn't buy the ring yet. ;)
I can't imagine that you feel guilt about anything that happened, do you? I mean, it doesn't seem like it when we talk about it, anyway. The only thing I can really see you feeling "bad" about is sending that message to her about that other guy, how you didn't like him, and his/her reaction to it. And even then, you shouldn't be the one who feels bad about getting threatened over the phone.
I dunno, like I said, I still have dreams with her in them. They are all dreams of me getting to, finally, tell her off for good though. Not really weird dreams, just "revenge" dreams. A lot of yelling, a lot of screaming, a lot of her crying. Don't know if it's "healthy" or not, but they are fun for a little while, and then get tiresome.
I wouldn't worry about it, really. We both lost someone that was very important to us for a very long time, she was important to you even longer than she was me. It's only natural for there to be some sort of healing process, or other type feelings to arise because of it.
I keep trying to reply to this, and keep failing. Apparently someone doesn't want me to.
ReplyDeleteAnyway....
Even though I already knew that you didn't blame me, it is nice to be told again. I think about it, from time to time, and even though I think we're all better off, I still get upset with myself for not trying harder to make you understand how serious it was.
I know that it's dumb....but I can't help it.
I can tell you that I don't sit around everyday hitting myself over this. I rarely think about her anymore. I even finally deleted her number from my phone. It's just that every once in a while, something will remind me of her and I think about it, and what I could have done differently.
God, this is starting to sound like she was my girlfriend.
I still don't feel bad about that message. She needed to hear those things. She probably should have heard them sooner.
I saw her and Nick, and Billy on Saturday. They walked right past me at the new Wal-Mart. Billy put a dvd up by his face, as if that would make them invisible to me. In that instant, as I was walking, and talking to Jennifer, (girl I went to high school with....was in our wedding) I felt sorry for her. She has her boy toy, and her brother, and that's it.
I may not have very many friends, but I do know that the friends that I do have, are amazing. I would never hurt them, and they would never hurt me. We've got each others' backs. I am truly blessed.
Thank you for remaining my friend through all of this bullshit. I love you, Johnny!
You did the best that you could have with a difficult situation. I'll tell you what I do when I get down about it, because it does still happen.
ReplyDeleteWhen you think about me and her, what you really need to think about is that the relationship wasn't good for ME. The relationship was convenient for her for as long as she was getting what she wanted. It used to be that she didn't want that much, that changed when she realized that there was someone that would give her the world without even asking about, or taking into consideration, the consequences of that gift. There were times that his phone had to be shut off because he couldn't afford to pay his bills after she went up there. But that's not stupidity, THAT'S DEVOTION!!!!111. And for all the things that she wanted, and I gave to her, I would never have gotten what I wanted out of life out of her. I would have never had a family, which is important to me. I don't want a big one, but I do want one. I would have never progressed as a person with her around. She held me back as far as becoming a better MAN is concerned. I was perfectly content to go through my life as it was while she was around. That is no more. There are just a few examples of what she did to me in the last 1.5 years of our relationship.
That astounds me about you seeing them. It doesn't astound me that they said nothing, it astounds me that he is so immature that he believed that holding up a DVD in front of him was either funny or mature. You shouldn't feel bad for her at all. She has made this decision, no matter how rash and ridiculous it was, and now she has to live with it. I've said to many people, she'll vacuum up this attention now, while they are living in different cities, and when they actually start living together she'll start to see that it's not all sunshine and lollipops. That is when she will realize the mistake. It might not be for a few years yet, but once they start living together she'll realize that friends are fun to have. Friends break up that monotony of the same person every day. And that she has none.
I don't have a ton of friends either, but I would take a bullet for any of them. If any of my friends called me needing help, you know I would be there for them. I don't turn my back on them just because they don't agree with me either. ;)
How could I NOT remain your friend throughout all of this? You had nothing to do with it, in the grand scheme, and were the most helpful person to me throughout all of it. Does it still hurt at times? Yes. Of course it does. But what you did for me during it all is something that helped me cope better. If that doesn't say something about friendship, I don't know what does. Love you too! :)
P.S. Is she still overweight!? Hahahahaha. I almost wish I would have been with you so I could have showed her how much weight I've lost! ;)
You are right, she was holding you back. I thought you were pretty awesome before, but now I'm jealous of you. I wish I could get motivated and really loose this extra weight. I wish I could go back to school, and find something to do that I will love....or at least like. I freaking hate working at the daycare, but I don't have any other options right now.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait till she figures out that she messed up big time, you know? Of course, I won't be there....so it doesn't really matter...but still. I wonder if she'll try to call, or e-mail or something....
Do you think she still checks our facebooks and shit, just to check up on us? I bet she does. I bet she wants to catch us saying mean things about her. I hope she reads this.
She is still overweight. I don't think her weight has changed at all. I wish that I could be there when she finally gets to see how much you've changed. I wish I could see her reaction. You know?
Now I've got to get to work on myself, so that the next time I see her, I can look amazing, and she can be jealous of me. ^_^
I think I'm going to see if Joe's mom would mind if I used her treadmill. I could go use it during my lunch from the daycare, since they are like 5 minutes away from the daycare....and I have an hour lunch, that I rarely actually use. Sometimes, if I just have to get out of there....I'll come over here to my aunt's house and use her computer. ^_^ I could definitely be doing something more productive with my hour.
The weight thing is easy, I'm telling you! I can get you started on a program similar to mine, if you wanted. There are actually some really good body-weight only exercises out there that would probably be great for you to start out on! And if you wanted to start using light weights, I have those too. You could come do some work at my house if you had the time, and it's always easier to learn with someone helping! Just let me know, and I'll start putting something together. The treadmill is a good idea, but keep in mind that cardio ups your metabolism for 2-4 hours after the workout is over. If you do a really intense weight workout, it raises it for up to 36 hours after the workout. So, if you were to workout 3 times a week, you would have 1 potential day where your metabolism isn't raised. I know these things now, so if you have any questions, ask!
ReplyDeleteI hate my job too, and am STILL considering going to Pegler to work in the warehouse, but right now I'm focusing on other things unfortunately. >.< I wish you could go back to school too. You're way to smart to be working at a daycare for the next foreseeable future. Is there maybe a government program that could help offset the cost? Maybe you should look into something!
I'm glad she's still overweight. I doubt that will change, seeing as they probably do nothing but eat out, watch movies, and have sex (GROSS). I would highly doubt that she CAN still check our facebooks. If you block someone, you can't see them, and at least on mine you have to be a friend of me to see it. I would totally open it to her though, just so she could see how bad she fucked up. I would also doubt she reads them if she can, because she probably DOESN'T want to catch us saying bad things. I mean, if someone were talking shit about me, I wouldn't really want to find it, but that's just me. Her former best friend pretty much hates her now, and I don't think she wants to come to that realization yet. I honestly felt bad about having a hand in you sending that letter to her, because I encouraged you to; but after all of this stuff came down, I think it was only a matter of time before everything blew up anyway.
Oh well, I guess c'est la vie.
I would love some help, Johnny!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to do honestly. I don't get dieting and exercising....so yeah. Any help you can give me would be great!
Ok! I'll get a notebook and sort of write down tips, exercise programs, and all of that kind of stuff in there. I won't lie, since you aren't single and have kids, it'll probably be more difficult for you to stick to the diet. It's all about self-motivation and self-control. But once you start to see those pounds slide off, it gets SO much easier. Plus, it's a motivating factor. Fun stuff.
ReplyDeleteI'll try to get it done sometime this week. We'll have you down 10 pounds at least before Lyndsay's wedding. ;)
Awesome! I am so excited!
ReplyDeleteI've done the diet thing around my family before.....it's just a matter of Joe having to cook his own dinner! ^_~